By Michael J. Schwartz, Longview, Texas
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, Marxists, Obama supporters, socialists, and all you Kool-aid drinkers:
We have stuck together for over 230 years, but the actions of you liberals since the 2008 elections have made me realize that I want a divorce. The actions of Congress passing Obamacare simply broke the back of my tolerance with you people.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations. However, this relationship is now dysfunctional and has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what’s right for America. Therefore, let’s just end it on friendly terms.
You get your biased lame stream liberal media – CNN, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, NY Times, Washington Post, AP, Newsweek, Time, and Air America – or what’s left of it. With this liberal media come all the distorted truths, lies, cover-ups, leg tingles, bias reporting, slanted stories, and all the Kool-Aid you can drink. We’ll take Fox News, Rush, Hannity, Readers Digest, Wall Street Journal, and all that is left of the media’s integrity. You won’t miss the integrity, as your media gave that up about 40 years ago.
The land division can also go the way the Red/Blue portions of the map voted on election day. You libs get all of Detroit, Philly, Chicago, East LA, NYC, San Francisco, New Orleans, Wash DC, and Trenton, NJ. I’ve been to Trenton and that is definitely a keeper for your side. You also get all their crime, murders, welfare, drug problems, high taxes, and democrats that run these places. We’ll take the fly over country, rural areas, working neighborhoods, and suburbs of middle America. Texas is also ours, as we like God and America down here. Since you seem to like neither, you should not mind.
Since you libs have no use for God, religion, the NRA, or the military, we’ll gladly take them. The police too, as we like to have law and order on our side. You get the ACLU, all of the personal injury lawyers, PETA, the UN, the NOW gang, Scientology, tree huggers, Oprah, Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donald, hippies, illegal aliens, and all the global warming nuts. We’ll have our churches and faith and support the military and police as they do their tasks. Tell the UN we won’t miss them, and we won’t be paying their bill anymore.
We’ll also take those things that symbolize America – the flag, the Eagle, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln. The Tea Party and We the People groups are ours by overwhelming demand. They would be glad to cut you loose to wallow in your liberalism and we’ll watch with sympathy as you nuts tax yourself out of existence.
You also get to rid yourself of the oil companies, Wal-Mart, drug makers, all gun and ammo manufacturers, and Sarah Palin’s Alaska. We’ll take ‘em. We don’t demonize big oil, low consumer prices, life saving drugs, the 2nd Amendment, and a good-looking governor. You get all the bicycle shops, Rodeo Drive stores, health food emporiums, diversity training classes, and anything else run by a 60-year-old guy with a ponytail. We also claim the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and big luxury cars. You can have every Subaru station wagon and Volvo you can find.
Of course you will want to keep your big time buddies – the unions. Ask GM, Ford, Chrysler, US Steel, and other big unionized businesses how that has worked out for them over the last 40 years. We’ll take the small business people and all the right to work states. You don’t like them anyway, so we’ll gladly take them and the prosperity they bring.
We’ll also take whatever is left of Wall Street and the big banks after Obama and the democrat congress get through ripping them to shreds. We’ll have them made loans to people that can actually afford to pay them back. Novel concept. You can have your personal piggybanks – Fanny and Freddy. Now it will be your tax money that is thrown down a black hole.
This divorce decree is fair to both sides. It would seem that the divisions are pretty accurate, and that you should be happy with all that you got, and more importantly, with what you can get rid of. Just sign at the bottom and have the ACLU notarize it for you.